asconian's blog
Grappling for Mature Wrestlers: When the Real Struggle Is the Quiet Way People Show You Don’t Belong
Taking up Jiu-Jitsu at a mature age seemed like a brilliant idea. I wanted a challenge that would push me physically, something that would prove to myself that age doesn’t have to mean resignation. And in truth, my body has been coping surprisingly well with the demands of training. But what I didn’t expect was that the real difficulty would come less from the techniques on the mat, and more from the perceptions, attitudes, and subtle barriers of those around me.
Here are five reasons why what I thought would be a good idea hasn’t quite worked out the way I imagined:
1. Integration into the group
I pictured the mat as an equalizing space, where strength, respect, and technique mattered more than age. But in practice, I find myself left out. Younger partners rarely want to roll with me — whether out of fear of injuring me, a belief that I’m not skilled enough, or simply a lack of confidence in training with someone older. I wanted to be a teammate like any other; what they seem to see is an outsider.
2. The teacher’s attitude
I assumed my instructor would appreciate my determination — that he’d view me as someone persevering despite age. Instead, the attention goes to the talented competitors, the ones with potential for medals. With me, it feels like he’s fulfilling an obligation: giving instructions but not investing real interest. I wanted to be taken seriously; what I sense is that I’m merely tolerated as a latecomer.
3. Socializing beyond the techniques
I believed that a shared passion would bridge generational gaps. I’ve tried to talk, to join in, to break through. But camaraderie doesn’t come. Conversations skip past me; the group has its own rhythm, its own language, and I remain at the margins. What I wanted was connection; what they seem to think is that we have nothing in common.
4. The role of age on the mat
When I joined, I told myself: If my body can handle it, age doesn’t matter. But age is the very first thing people notice. Not because I’m weak, but because of what I symbolize to them. Sometimes it even comes dressed up in “affectionate” irony: being called grandpa, daddy, or abuelo as though it were just a joke. But beneath the joke lies a clear message: that I don’t belong here, that this isn’t my space, that my generation should be doing something else. I wanted to be seen as an equal; instead, I’m met with a form of age-bashing disguised as friendliness, a fragility I don’t actually feel.
5. Expectation versus reality
At first, Jiu-Jitsu seemed like a source of motivation, something that would remind me it’s never too late. But instead of motivation, I often face barriers: a sense of distance, a lack of recognition, and a quiet exclusion that wears you down. What I wanted was to show that discipline and perseverance are ageless; what I run into is the reality that others don’t always let you prove it.
A reason to persevere, despite everything
And yet, above the discomfort of aging, above the subtle exclusion and the misplaced irony, there is one reason strong enough to keep going: because Jiu-Jitsu is not really about how others see me, but about how I choose to see myself. On the mat, each time I endure, each time I learn, each time I refuse to give up, I reclaim strength, dignity, and freedom. That is reason enough to persevere.
sportart (5)
9/30/2025 8:39 PMVery well written and my thoghts exactly.
I'm glad for those, both young and not so young, who want to take me on.
Looking forward to more matches, and am now better able to detect those who don't want
to meet up with a colossal fossil. . .
Sibeasterus (13)
9/30/2025 8:40 PMAll problems are well-known to me.
Yes, first of all coach works with young competitors who regularly take part in competitions; I'm a sort of spare obstacle for him.
Yes, young grapplers always wrestle with each other and sometimes they do not pretend to hide their indisposition to wrestle with me. Moreover they call me Uncle
Yes, youths have their own topics to discuss.
What am I to do with it? Well, as long as they accept me in student role, I will train. When the time comes they say to me: You are too old for us, we do not want you here, well, I'll go away...but not earlier)))
asconian (9)
9/30/2025 9:27 PM(In reply to this)
I have the same atittude. I am resilient and love challenges. So as long as my body resists I will be the “disruptive” and bothering fly at the gym.
By the way. Have you ever trained Sambo?. It looks disturbingly tough.
Sibeasterus (13)
9/30/2025 9:35 PMAlas, sambo was alone traditional (in Russia) wrestling style I did not study at all. And it's very bad because former sambists do painful leglocks I do not use to counter-attack(((
NorthernDon (36 )
10/01/2025 11:16 AMExcellent interpretation of reality.
I've tried two different centres here and there's two problems.
1. "Senior" classes just means not Junior i.e <17y.o
2. You described it perfectly between the instructor not being interested OR not being part of the right age group.
So I gave both of them up. Happy to use Meetfighters to upskill.
asconian (9)
10/01/2025 11:20 AM(In reply to this)
Mf is best way to know how skilled you are. I feel that younger guys, despite being tough cookies never show their full power when wrestling with me. Never in full speed.
Kingkongcub (0 )
10/01/2025 6:47 PMUnfortunately what you have experienced is very common in the culture of BJJ gyms and studios, a lot of studios (and and students) adhere to cliques and hierarchy and the notion of “leave your ego” at the door or “you are among friends when you join” is good for marketing but not applied evenly. Whether it’s age, skill level, belt level, or just a general “who do you know here?” A lot of BJJ gyms uphold that culture.
Mike Gaine (78)
10/01/2025 10:35 PMYou are 100% correct‼️
I experienced it in two BJJ classes and one “open to all” folk style club.
1. INTEGRATION into the group
NO. I wasn’t included/integrated or even INTRODUCED to the members, yet others new students are/were introduced
2. The TEACHER’S attitude
They rarely corrected technique or offered tips as they did for others. I felt I was only being “tolerated”
by them.
3. Socializing beyond the techniques
They only opened social interaction with others “like” themselves. Older wasn’t “like” them. I never hinted or dressed like I was non straight so what gives???
4. The role of AGE on the mat
Yes, the use of “the old guy” almost became the only way I was addressed despite responding with, “Just call me Mike”. Nope.
5. Expectation versus REALITY—the BARRIERS. I might as well have been a leper the way I was treated. No, I’m not paranoid—far from it. Except for 1 or 2 other students, I was invisible (or just “tolerated”) to the others—including the so-called “coach”
NorthernDon (36 )
10/01/2025 10:52 PM(In reply to this)
Mike, always welcome Down Under in Melbourne.
You'd certainly enjoy travelling Oz 🇦🇺 Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane
Mike Gaine (78)
10/02/2025 12:41 PM(In reply to this)
Thanks. Wanna wrestle?
NorthernDon (36 )
10/02/2025 12:47 PM(In reply to this)
'ken oath I do
wrestler4u (2)
10/02/2025 9:20 AMThe wrestling clubs I ran - and I ran quite a few - were never like that. You guys had some seriously shit and unprofessional coaches.
In my experience a lot of BJJ coaches were completely useless and lacking in knowledge anyway - some barely speaking English enough to explain ‘the techniques’.
Mike Gaine (78)
10/02/2025 12:38 PM(In reply to this)
I had only 1 coach who 1. Had organized lessons. 2. Reviewed and repeated drills 3. Critiqued technique. 4. Spoke fluent English.
Only 1 coach out of 6-8(?) coaches.